“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
The weatherman said it’s nice outside. I guess they don’t let him watch the rest of the news.
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Me: *audible toot*
Me: I am not here to make friends.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Buy an aquarium. Don’t buy fish. Tell guests there are fish. Enjoy time spent not having to talk to guests while they look for fish.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Me: can I have that with no ice? [raises menu to hide mouth & whispers to date] people don’t realize u get more that way haha
Waiter: sir we dont put ice in soup