The weatherman said it’s nice outside. I guess they don’t let him watch the rest of the news.

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“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring


[enters elevator]

Me: *audible toot*


Me: I am not here to make friends.


*through a mouthful of Nutella*

Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.


15: I smell upsexy.

Me: What the hell is upsexy?

15: Not much. What’s up with you?


My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!

My gf 2nd month: listen


Buy an aquarium. Don’t buy fish. Tell guests there are fish. Enjoy time spent not having to talk to guests while they look for fish.


Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!


Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.


[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.


Me: can I have that with no ice? [raises menu to hide mouth & whispers to date] people don’t realize u get more that way haha

Waiter: sir we dont put ice in soup