My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
The weatherman said it’s nice outside. I guess they don’t let him watch the rest of the news.
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People you mute should stay in your TL but with a piece of tape over their avatar mouth and their tweets all like “Mmmp mm mmmph rf mph.”
Flock of bats
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
“And what will you do if you’re crowned Miss Universe?”
“I will have a special prosecutor put the first runner up in jail.”
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.