@Piecezilla

The weatherman said it’s nice outside. I guess they don’t let him watch the rest of the news.

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@CantWaitToNap

My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.

Whatever, I needed some sleep.

@KenJennings

People you mute should stay in your TL but with a piece of tape over their avatar mouth and their tweets all like “Mmmp mm mmmph rf mph.”

@TrueTorontoGirl

Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?

@SimplySnaccbar

[First day as a teacher]

Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.

[Later]

Student: May I use the restroom?

Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit

@Vodkantots

“And what will you do if you’re crowned Miss Universe?”

“I will have a special prosecutor put the first runner up in jail.”

@OilCan314

I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.

@Megatronic13

Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise

Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?

Doctor: sure

Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never