thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
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“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
March 16
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?