THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you

DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude

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Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.


chef: [yelling] I NEED LETTUCE

assistant: [from walk-in fridge] ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?

other chef (that survived the Titanic): oh no not again


My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.


Boxer Sugar Ray dreamt of killing his opponent and backed out, but a priest convinced him to fight, he ended up killing the opponent.


[first day as midwife]

Dr: take a look at this cervix

Me: does it matter if I haven’t seen cer I to VIII?


I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.


If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense


Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.

Universe: Humble her.


Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself