@Brampersandon_

THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you

DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude

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@PwrFulWmn

Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.

@daemonic3

chef: [yelling] I NEED LETTUCE

assistant: [from walk-in fridge] ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?

other chef (that survived the Titanic): oh no not again

@Shira

My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.

@WhatTheFFacts

Boxer Sugar Ray dreamt of killing his opponent and backed out, but a priest convinced him to fight, he ended up killing the opponent.

@KissabiX

[first day as midwife]

Dr: take a look at this cervix

Me: does it matter if I haven’t seen cer I to VIII?

@dulcetry

I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.

@MelvinofYork

If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense

@mommajessiec

Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.

Universe: Humble her.

@0point5twins

Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself