THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you

DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude

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4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9


FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.


Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.

Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.


[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*


Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.


Had to get sticky tape and gift tags surgically removed from my body at the hospital…

Proving once again that white guys can’t wrap.


Doctor: You can only have clear liquids after midnight
Me: Sure no problem
Doctor: Not white wine


Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.


Mom Math:

If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?


My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.

This is not the motherhood I envisioned.