The Weeknd is back
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I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
I am all good here, 😂😉
Me recordaron éste meme
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.