I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
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I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Netflix and you sit over there.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Realize this:
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
c’mon!
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.