@Dustinkcouch

the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon

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@GrantTanaka

Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan

@rameshsrivats

Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.

@Steelers1972

If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.

@Eden_Eats

How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?

Please say like 5 months?

@flashember

[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”

@mooses_mom_mar

Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?

Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.

I: Your office will be next to mine.

@T_N_Crumpets

Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat

@RunOldMan

My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.