the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
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I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Thanks to a fan for this one!
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!