The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
You Might Also Like
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Time for evil
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark