I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
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Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
What’s so funny?
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.