did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
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Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Any time I see a pic of Princess Leia’s hair I get a craving for a cinnabon
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.