The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
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Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Spider-cat: No One Home
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
*lint rolls you awake*
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?