The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
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McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.