The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
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“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.