MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
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REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater