@michaelianblack

The whole thing about “we’re all going to die some day,” that’s a joke, right?

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@MantisBlue

Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.

@

“GO SPORTS!” -how I cheer for all sports

@occupied_stall

If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.

@JohnLyonTweets

*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*

*glues old gears and cogs to chair*

*sells “steampunk sitting contraptionโ€ on eBay for $800*

@juliussharpe

I’ll vote for whichever presidential candidate promises to end the banter before two people announce who won an Emmy.

@online_shawn

Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan

@adamhess1

So glad I finally got around to correcting that spelling mistake I made to the girl I fancied 8 years ago

@stanleybehrman

From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.

@FredTaming

me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies

him: no spoilers

me: i assure you there are a ton