Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
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Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Is this the real life?
Is this just
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Air pods looking like an angry frog
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Watson was Holmes schooled
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.