the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
You Might Also Like
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]