The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
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As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
What’s a Messi?
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese