The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
You Might Also Like
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??