The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in

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On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.


There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.


90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.


When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s


Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest


I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.


Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.

Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.


[Enter Password]
[Password weak. Password accepted, but system cannot respect you.]


The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.


Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.