The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
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Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on