[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
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boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Aaaa…CHOO!
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.