@UGotMeRight

The wife convinced me into taking her to Hawaii if she lost 20 pounds. You’d be surprised how many M&M’s someone can swallow in their sleep.

You Might Also Like

@mejustbeth

Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.

@alfageeek

Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)

Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?

(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)

@sophielou

Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.

@uhhhhhoksure

People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.

@GrumpyCatsMind

If you get angry, just take deep breaths and count to ten. Unless you’re angry about oxygen and numbers.

@MrGeorgeWallace

Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.

@ArfMeasures

Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?

Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol

Cop: ok at least we know why he did it

@valenty__

Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”

@merestromb

Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.

@ladybroseph

Many said I couldn’t crossbreed peacocks and flamingos. Yet, I stand here today with my beloved flamingcocks as an inspiration to our youth.