The wife convinced me into taking her to Hawaii if she lost 20 pounds. You’d be surprised how many M&M’s someone can swallow in their sleep.

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Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.


Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)

Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?

(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)


Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.


People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.


If you get angry, just take deep breaths and count to ten. Unless you’re angry about oxygen and numbers.


Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.


Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?

Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol

Cop: ok at least we know why he did it


Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”


Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.


Many said I couldn’t crossbreed peacocks and flamingos. Yet, I stand here today with my beloved flamingcocks as an inspiration to our youth.