@UGotMeRight

The wife convinced me into taking her to Hawaii if she lost 20 pounds. You’d be surprised how many M&M’s someone can swallow in their sleep.

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@TheTweetOfGod

The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies

@zoeklar

One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”

@SummerRay

I was the first person to install trampolines in musician’s tour buses and now everybody is jumping on the bandwagon.

@FuckabillyRex

“Sorry, I have to take this call.”
“That’s a banana. And it’s half eaten.”
*covers banana with hand
“I don’t tell you how to do business.”

@animadvertguy

WIFE: really?
ME: uh?
WIFE: 20 mins and you haven’t noticed?
ME: oh! hair looks nice, hun
WIFE: [crossing her 1 arm] I had my surgery today.

@thedad

Wife: um our son has drawn a picture of Batman and Spider-Man beating someone up

Me: Oh no that’s so wrong!

Wife: I know!

Me: You don’t mix up Marvel and DC

@heatherlarson77

Whenever someone says they did something “like a boss” I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are taking credit for it.

@chapel3929

Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat