The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
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Why are bridges so flammable.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
i meant to share this earlier
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE