The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
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If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
There is no “we” in pizza
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Feels
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.