@Gupton68

The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.

Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.

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@LoveNLunchmeat

The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.

@dlockw21

IT: You deleted the OS?

Me: I think so.

IT: It didn’t warn you?

Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?

@iamjohnsarris

My mom when I was a kid:

“Never talk to strangers.”

“Never get in their cars.”

Me to my future kids:

“Here’s how to order an Uber.”

@WhatevaConc

The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?

@Easy_Tiger__

If Kristen Stewart played the daughter in Taken, Liam Neeson would probably just let the bad guys have her.

@philyuck

Hi I’m here for my vasectomy.
“Would you like that toasted?”
What?
“Haha whoops sorry, just came from my other job. Ok let’s do this.”

@CollegeHumor

Apparently the Burger King account is suspended while they think of a stronger password than “horsemeat”.

@TheToddWilliams

[creation]
GOD: Alright guys, please read the sex manuals I’ve provided
RABBIT: Oh hell yeah
STUD HORSE: Ah nice
PRAYING MANTIS: What the f–

@SpenceDen

If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.