The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
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Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!