The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.

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“Danger” was my middle name until I had it legally changed to “No, I’m good, thanks.”


They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”


If I were a fashion designer I wouldn’t spend any money on advertising but rather pay old people to wear my competitor’s clothing


My 22-year-old cousin: My biggest fear in life is that I won’t make a difference, that I’ll be insignificant.

Me: It’s really not that bad


Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die


One good thing about the coronavirus is that the hand soap I bought because it was the only kind left is the greatest soap I have ever used and now my hands are baby soft and smell like vanilla


I want to get arrested by a motorcycle cop just so I can hold him tenderly around the waist on my way to jail.


Cop: What’s the hurry?

Me: Nothing officer – Just didn’t want to slow you down.

Cop: I was pulling you over.

Me: Well I get that. Now.


colleague: do u like the clown from IT?

me: nah he never fixes my computer



Me (to my 4 year old nephew): I think I heard someone break in; will you go check?