The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
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My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn