Ok America now is our chance to catch up on productivity, health care, math & science while the rest of the world is drunk & watching soccer
The wind blew a smart car into my lane and I had to roll down my window and swat it out of the way.
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Their palms are sweaters, knees sweatery, arms are sweaters. There’s more sweater on their sweater already.
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Me: In any language.
This is why I’m crazy.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
My wife sure is picky for someone who married me.