Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
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“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
bias laundering edition
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end