Pour some sugar on me. More. Keep going. Okay, now bricks.
The winds of change can blow me.
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AGE 21: I haven’t slept in 3 days cause of finals but I’m gonna party all night and do a pub crawl tomorrow
AGE 35: Sorry I’d love to come to dinner but my eye is watery and I’m gonna be resting for the next week
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
HIM: The chicken dance!
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.