The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
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The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up