The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
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“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.