The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
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Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*