the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
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Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda