The woke left? Without saying goodbye?
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There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Happy Taco Tuesday
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.