@Carbosly

The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.

I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.

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@rickygervais

Suggested Thanksgiving Conversation starters: “Which God are we thanking again?”
You’re welcome 🙂

@funflaps

lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy

me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes

lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died

@roostermustache

Biden: this is takin forever and build-a-bear is gonna close soon

Obama: joe let me finish my speech or you’ll get no tv for a week

Biden:

@Social_Mime

That escalated quickly

– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.

@heidi420x

Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day

@jellybnbonanza

So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”

They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.

@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”

Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”

@Pirate_nurse

In my defense I told him it was my cheat day and I didn’t understand why he brought home cupcakes and not Juan from the gym