The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
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Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
That time Alicia messaged me
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.