When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
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One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
If Billy Joel wrote “We Didn’t Start the Fire” today, it would be 2 hours.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?