@Jake_Vig

The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.

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@ArtIsMyPorn

When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.

@junejuly12

One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.

I think about that a lot.

@kumailn

If Billy Joel wrote “We Didn’t Start the Fire” today, it would be 2 hours.

@LuvPug

A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller

@daemonic3

This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour

@Tbone7219

I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.

@slimmy_shady

Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”

@peb671

Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”

@daemonic3

[robbing Whole Foods]

“All the cash in a bag NOW!”

100% organic reusable bag ok?

“Yes!”

[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag

@handsock_butts

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-

ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS

SE: -on your sub?

ME: PUPPERONI