The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
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zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car