@willhallcomedy

The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.

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@BubblesnBooze

Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.

@Mikecanrant

Not trying to be racist or ignorant but…nnseriously, all crocodiles and alligators look alike.

@Fene2208

Card is declined.
Waiter in a very loud voice:”Excuse me ma, ur card was declined” a few heads turn.
Me:I jst used d card. Pls try again”
Waiter tries again. Payment goes thru
Me: “pls maintain d energy.Say it loud dt my card was accepted”. A few heads turn again. I’m satisfied

@PaperWash

[on trial for murder]

lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water

me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-

judge: answer the question

@RobertJrDowney

Who’s idea was it to package scissors in a package what requires scissors to open.

@DanMentos

the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks

@spicy_peen

Go away kid, I don’t have bubble wrap.

That was just the sound my knees make when I stand up

@jakery

From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customers

holy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom

@KylePlantEmoji

Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?

Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really

Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please

King Solomon: *sweating*