Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
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Not trying to be racist or ignorant but…nnseriously, all crocodiles and alligators look alike.
Card is declined.
Waiter in a very loud voice:”Excuse me ma, ur card was declined” a few heads turn.
Me:I jst used d card. Pls try again”
Waiter tries again. Payment goes thru
Me: “pls maintain d energy.Say it loud dt my card was accepted”. A few heads turn again. I’m satisfied
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Who’s idea was it to package scissors in a package what requires scissors to open.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Go away kid, I don’t have bubble wrap.
That was just the sound my knees make when I stand up
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customers
holy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*