Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
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It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
🤣✨#caturday
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again