The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
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Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?