The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
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Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.