The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
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Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”