the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
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This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Worst perfume name ever.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.