Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
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what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
pope: love all
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*