the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
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Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Not recommended for beginners.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?