The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
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ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.