The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
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[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
happy mother’s day❤️
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
shit, they caught us—run!!!
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Current mood: Potato