The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
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My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
This classic never gets old . . .
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
tourist season
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.