Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
the word ‘freelancer’ originally came from medieval knights who would kill evildoers for the king and THEN NOT GET PAID FOR EIGHT MONTHS
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Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
“I haven’t accomplished much but I will harshly judge the hard work of others”
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for “Race,” I add a question mark and then write, “Anytime. Anywhere.”
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
“Cut your throat.”
“Drink your blood.”
“Have your baby.”
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)