Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
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*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
I see your IQ test came back negative
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Many hands make light work
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
I have a new favorite meme page
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?