The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other

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I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch


Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.


‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’

(Me to my kids)


[stabbing you with a knife]

I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.


[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*


Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?


*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!

*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!