@MelvinofYork

The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other

You Might Also Like

@joeheenan

I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch

@Dawn_M_

Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.

@LorieGZ

‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’

(Me to my kids)

@Jake_Vig

[stabbing you with a knife]

I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.

@bonehugsnirony

[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*

@ObscureGent

Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?

@RxitWounds

*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!

*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!