The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
You Might Also Like
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?