@MelvinofYork: The word "hello" only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
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@ClichedOut: WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
@skullmandible: most cutting thing you can say is "who's this clown?" because it implies they're a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
@DamienFahey: Just used the holiday card with your kid's face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
@MissSassy_Pants: Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not "funny". Officer: Ma'am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home. Me: But not the basement, right?