The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
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I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
asking santa clause for nudes
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
#StillHurts
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess