The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
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DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.