The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”

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Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*


After my date orders, I always tell the waiter “Nothing for me..I’ll be eating later” Then wink at my date & raise my eyebrows suggestively!


[at wife’s office party]

wife: don’t show anybody your tattoo of ratatouille

me: [to her boss, immediately] wanna see my ratattooie


bay: come over
me: no you’re a broad inlet of the sea where the land curves inward
bay: my parents aren’t home
me: how are you talking


I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one


[first date]

Him: Let’s take the stairs!

Me: I think we should see other people.


They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.


I’m gonna covet you. I am gonna covet you so hard. I am gonna covet the holy living shit outta you.