The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
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I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*