The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
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Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.