The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
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Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.